A HIP Speech: Honesty, Integrity, and Patience, on the Wedding of Sebastian and Sandy
During the 1960s, there was a word that made it into the English language, “hip.” “Hey, man, you are hip.” They were hipsters, those in the know, the in-crowd, man. And, of course, that is where the word “hippie” came from, perhaps now looked down on today by younger generations—hippie, flower-child, Volkswagen love vans, and psychedelic colors on all-things hippie.
But today, I want to give new meaning to the word, and for very good reason, for I now see it as an acronym of some consequence. When my second of five children, Sebastian, saw this wedding day approaching, he asked if I would read something, either something I might write, or something they might hand to me. Well, you don’t have to know me very well to know which choice I would make, and here we are.
Without wanting to sound too philosophical—but I will—there is a certain wisdom gained with age, if you are fortunate to have lived an interesting life. But there are three words, no, more like concepts, that I think are among the most important in a marriage, or in any long-term relationship, and marriage is the quintessential one, where there is an absolute moment of commitment when the vows are exchanged.
First is honesty. That is honesty with your partner. If you are getting a bonus, don’t make it a surprise to her after you have known about it coming for weeks, for her life is your life, and you need to share, not just the information, but your lives, completely—the good times and the bad. If you get a traffic ticket, don’t hold back and be embarrassed, for your spouse is the part of you that needs to know all-things spousal—all-things Sebastian and all-things Sandy.
If there is a financial setback, or the promotion you wanted that did not come, but you had been so sure of, tell your spouse right away. Let your disappointment be your partner’s, and, good or bad, rich or poor, share in whatever it is, and share the burdens and the joys. If you become ill, don’t shield your partner from the news. Have more respect for your spouse than that, for they will want to share the crisis with you, and support you, because they are a part of you. They have become an important aspect of what is the very essence of who and what you are. Honesty in a partnership is paramount.
Second is integrity. Many of you might know that I was an FBI agent for nearly three decades. The ribbon on the FBI seal reads, Fidelity, Bravery, Integrity. This last, integrity, is seen as most important for the members of a federal organization, but in a marriage, it is also all-important. Here I would call it “Integrity to self,” or within one’s self.
You have to have a feeling of self-worth, a solid sense of self, which should begin each day when your feet hit the floor beside your bed, so you know a solid group of guiding principles by which you live your life, not just that day, but all the ones to come. You know what is an upright thing to do, and you do not waver. If you see an opportunity that might take you down a path which would not allow you to live the principled life that got you this far, it is a no-brainer—don’t take it, don’t do it, and, even more, share that moment and experience with your spouse. Commiserate over what are good and bad decisions, and see that, together, you agree on any course that will ultimately involve both of you. It is not that there are, “No Secrets” between you. It should be that it would not occur to you to keep a secret from your loved-one.
And the next morning, when your feet hit the floor, you will know that it has been the integrity you have had for your lifetime, which enables you to fall asleep when your head hits the pillow, because you have no regrets and could have made no better choices than you did. And if that didn’t happen, then take steps to go back and fix it, whatever might have been a questionable decision, as life is replete with do-overs, and we are not always perfect the first time around. But both of you should know all of the options and have a marriage-of-the-mind on the steps that control both of your lives together.
And last is patience. When my five children were little, I used to go their elementary school classes and recite poems. A favorite was this one:
Patience is a virtue,
Virtue is a grace,
And Grace is a little girl
Who doesn’t wash her face!
A cute poem, but it began to put the word “patience” in the vocabulary of developing minds.
No matter if a couple has been together for a long time, are living together and have shared years of experiences, the moment of marriage is like a ribbon cutting ceremony. Yes, the building had been going up for months and everyone saw it, one floor at a time, but now, NOW, it is completed and dedicated. Now it is a brand-new building, ready to be put to the use for which it was intended. And now, with a marriage ceremony completed, marriage vows spoken and taken to heart, there is an unequivocal demarcation in the lives of Sandy and Sebastian, although they might not fully appreciate it yet. Yes, before, it was “we,” with a small “w,” but now it is a “capital WE,” both recognized by society, and deep within your souls, it is simply a different relationship. If there is any wisdom I have gained from my 73 years, it is that time passes, but patience is something that enables you to revel in and appreciate that time.
As a single person, it is you facing the singles-scene, essentially alone, even if you have a wingman, or a wingwoman—even a wingperson! But in marriage, take that singles-brain and get rid of it, and with it must come a great dose of patience, because it is no longer you, yourself, relying on your own abilities and capabilities, your keen sense of decision-making and always so sure of yourself. For now, there are two of you and, like the chain with the weakest link, the one that defines the strength of the entire chain, so, too, it is in a marriage. But there are different times, and with different fact patterns where one of you will know more, and know better than the other. And in this, each of you must gather a previously unknown amount of patience for the other one, because you must function as a unit. It is not, “Come on, keep up!” It is, “Let’s take these steps together.”
And without getting ahead of myself, bringing in my own personal experience, and likely that of any parents in this gathering, you can plan and plan and plan for life having children, and think you will be completely ready for it. But the moment that little head crowns and lets out its first gleeful sound of a new life, your life changes, certainly for the better, but you might not be fully aware of that. From that moment, you, and even your spouse, are no longer the first thought in your mind, for there is another life to promote, to preserve and to protect, one that knows nothing, has to be taught everything, and will need miles and miles of patience you don’t, now, even know you possess. That is when you will need to stop, take a deep breath, and have the love for your child so full of patience that it becomes a natural part of the equation of your life.
This experience will also increase your overall patience level with your co-workers, the lady who checks out your groceries, and the letter carrier when you are waiting for an important envelope and the mail is late, and so many others. And your patience with your spouse is also part of that equation, for we all grow at different rates, and one day, we will diminish at different rates.
So, please be a HIP couple, even now sixty years since that term was fashionable, try to live by it, each day, even if it is only in the back of your minds, know what counts: Honest, Integrity, and Patience, in all things.
After completing this essay, I sent it to a good friend who has edited others of my work. As a grandmother, herself, she has long experience regarding marriage. She suggested one other letter be added to my HIP acronym, and that is an R. The last word in a marriage, she said, should be “respect.” I did not want to force an R into my current title, but life, and marriages, (even without Coronaviruses), sometimes take unforeseen turns. Agreeing with my friend, any thought, decision, or action which involves yourself and your spouse, respect for the other must be there—not as an afterthought, but more like an exclamation point—and with a capital R!
Sebastian and Sandy, my son and new daughter, I wish you the very best. Now enjoy your lives.
Written for the wedding of Sebastian Barnes and Sandra Vega, set for April 25, 2020, delayed by the Coronavirus, they were wed on June 20, 2020, at the Deering Estate, Palmetto Bay, FL, this speech presented at the Fiola Ristorante, Miami.